About

stoleaboat

Robert Brockway is a Senior Editor and columnist for Cracked.com. He is the author of two books, the cyberpunk novel Rx: A Tale of Electronegativity, and the comedic non-fiction essay collection Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead. He lives in Portland, Oregon, with his wife Meagan and their two dogs, Detectives Martin Riggs and Roger Murtaugh. He has been known, on occasion, to have a beard.

That is not his boat, and charges are being pressed.

You can contact Robert at me@robertbrockway.net, or find more from him on:

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16 thoughts on “About

  1. Andrea

    I just wanted to share something my sleep deprived brain thought of and hope you don’t shun me right off the internet. Must be read in movie announcer voice.

    “For everything there is a wrong way, a right way, and a Brockway. It’s like the right way but writer.”

    Reply
  2. Bonnie Butler

    First, IDK how I worded it in previous comment that was accidentally submitted in an epic WINDOWS 8 fail. Really, but something like thanks and humourous words we cannot imagine ourselves and ……
    http://www.Robertbrockway.net looks to be a great place for a fan of “Cracked” who does not like the “lists” but prefers laughing out loud to softly chuckling every 5th article. “There is a Bird in the House” and the entire “Choose your own (Drug) Filled Adventure” series are the funniest things I have read. I also love the “Product/Movie Reviews”, “My time as….”, and the “Apology” and “Advise” series. Just one favor to ask if I may?

    Can you get Chris Bucholz to do something like this (since he is the author of “Bird”?) (Is that a joke?)

    If you promise be semi-consistent, I promise to do the same. You are a Master of prose, dude.

    And thanks.

    Reply
  3. Allen Thicke

    Guy, I have enjoyed the hell out of Rx. Just wanted to say thanks.

    PS, this probably goes without saying but I’m not the actor Allen Thicke, I was just named after him.

    PSS Honestly, I was not named after Growing Pains alum Allen Thicke, I came here to leave a sincere compliment, and I only included this Allen Thicke throwaway bit because voicing honest praise on its own makes me feel very insecure.

    Reply
  4. Caryn

    I just completed 16 hours of slave labor on Amazon’s MechanicalTurk site in order to obtain the necessary nearly $5 to buy a copy of RX. I am going to go lay down now. And yes, I am that poor.

    Reply
  5. George Swiers

    You’re the only writer who can induce an asthma attack in me, so erm, well done.
    You have a very British sense of humour. Ah well. No one here knows of you though, not even me.

    Reply
  6. Richard Murdocco

    Hello Robert-

    My name is Richard Murdocco, and I’ve been reading Cracked since the site’s launch. Thank you for keeping me entertained throughout college, grad school and beyond.

    One of my favorite pieces you’ve written is from December 2009, entitled “5 Reasons Die Hard is the Best Christmas Movie Ever Made”. Every December I get into the spirit of the season by reading the piece.

    During my browsing today, I stumbled across a horrid Buzzfeed piece entitled “Stop Saying “Die Hard” is your Favorite Christmas Movie” by Katie Notopoulos. In typical Buzzfeed fashion, the piece is all images and little substance. The author argues that by pronouncing love for all things McClane “You’ll see this opinion trotted out by people who normally claim a psychical inability to pick a favorite film or album or artist.”

    My hatred for their foundation of “Remember that 90s thing OMG” aside, I hope that you will respond to this shot across the bow.

    Happy Holidays, and Yippie Ki Yay-

    Rich Murdocco

    Reply
    1. Robert Brockway Post author

      Nah, Buzzfeed’s not worth talking to. They don’t actually have opinions, just references, and they can only communicate in gifs they’ve pulled from Reddit. It’s like arguing with a spambot.

      Reply
  7. Eli Brockway

    Hey, look, another Brockway.

    I’m going to have to read your stuff soon. Probably “Everything is Going to Kill Everybody” first. Seems like the one that’ll make me laugh the most.

    Reply
  8. Brian Woody

    Hey Robert, I’m a big fan of your articles on Cracked, and I absolutely loved RX: A Tale of Electronegativity! I was curious if you ever do commissioned writing. I’m a game designer, but a horrible writer, and am looking to hire a writer whom I respect and enjoy to write a single-player campaign for my current project. You can check out the project at http://www.thunderpunchstudios.com. I don’t know if you’re familiar with Final Fantasy Tactics, but the story we’re looking to commission would be comparable, though a bit more bizarre. Anyway, thanks for all the awesome work you do!

    -Brian Woody, Thunderpunch Studios

    Reply
    1. Robert Brockway Post author

      I am totally swamped these days (just sold a three-book series to Tor, in addition to my normal, beyond full time job), but I’ve always wanted to try game writing and you used the magical keywords: “Final fantasy tactics.” In all honesty, the schedules probably won’t align just right for us to work together, but I’ll sure check out your site, and we can talk about it some.

      Reply
      1. Brian Woody

        Thanks for the quick reply. It would realistically be about 6 months before we would want to get into the single-player campaign. We’re in the process of building a playable demo that will serve as the basis for a Kickstarter campaign (I always feel a little dirty after saying that…), and basically all of our funding will be going towards art and commissioning a writer. I understand how crazy busy you must be, but if you let me know a possible date and a figure, I can do what I can to make it happen. And of course, I absolutely understand if you have reservations about working with the random guy who contacted you on your blog… Thanks again!

        -Woody

        Reply

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