BEAR GOD DAMN IT

My neighbors behind the fence — who all suffer from voice immodulation disorder, and therefore communicate solely via yelling — have what I can only assume is the worst dog in the world.

They’re constantly yelling at their dog, Bear, in furious and bizarrely threatening ways. A few months ago they informed Bear that if he didn’t get back here, they would “break” him. Like fucking Ivan Drago!

A few weeks ago they told Bear that if he doesn’t stop barking, he would “answer to me.” W-what? Who else is your dog going to answer to? 

We now have a running joke that Bear must be responsible for all of the world’s ills, and then follow that up with an exotic threat.

“BEAR DID YOU COLLAPSE THE HOUSING MARKET? I WILL EAT YOUR MEMORIES.”

“BEAR! YOU STOP ESCALATING TENSIONS IN THE MIDDLE EAST OR YOU WILL BE ON A FIRST NAME BASIS WITH GOD.”

“BEAR YOU DAMN DOG IF YOU’RE SHOOTING HEROIN AGAIN I WILL PERSONALLY INFILTRATE YOUR LIVER AND TURN IT’S LOYALTIES AGAINST YOUR OTHER ORGANS!”

“BEAR. SHUT UP. I WILL FUCK YOUR SOUL.”

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