Monthly Archives: July 2016

BOOKSHOTS

The consensus about novellas now being called “bookshots” is that James Patterson’s readers would find the term “novella” too foreign or effeminate, and wouldn’t buy them. That’s probably true, and seeing how the word is catching on even for non-Patterson novellas, it may be a smart bit of marketing.
 
But it’s a stupid everything else. Jesus, is any reader’s masculinity that fragile?
 
“Novel? I ain’t readin’ that. Sounds like somethin’ if you ordered it at a bar it’d come in a martini glass with whipped cream on top. Naw, I read books. That’s a good, solid word: Book. Sounds like the noise you’d make when you got kicked by a horse.
 
BOOK!
 
Combine that with shot – whether that’s whiskey or a bullet wound – and you got yourself a horse-kickin’, hard-drinkin’, hard-shootin’ adventure.
 
Read a novella?
 
I say ‘no way in hell, fella.’
 
That’s what little French girls read. I read BOOKSHOTS. See this cover? Pure carbon fiber. Got little grooves in the spine for a tactical grip. The bookmark is a bottle opener.
 
BOOK. SHOTS.”

BEAR GOD DAMN IT

My neighbors behind the fence — who all suffer from voice immodulation disorder, and therefore communicate solely via yelling — have what I can only assume is the worst dog in the world.

They’re constantly yelling at their dog, Bear, in furious and bizarrely threatening ways. A few months ago they informed Bear that if he didn’t get back here, they would “break” him. Like fucking Ivan Drago!

A few weeks ago they told Bear that if he doesn’t stop barking, he would “answer to me.” W-what? Who else is your dog going to answer to? 

We now have a running joke that Bear must be responsible for all of the world’s ills, and then follow that up with an exotic threat.

“BEAR DID YOU COLLAPSE THE HOUSING MARKET? I WILL EAT YOUR MEMORIES.”

“BEAR! YOU STOP ESCALATING TENSIONS IN THE MIDDLE EAST OR YOU WILL BE ON A FIRST NAME BASIS WITH GOD.”

“BEAR YOU DAMN DOG IF YOU’RE SHOOTING HEROIN AGAIN I WILL PERSONALLY INFILTRATE YOUR LIVER AND TURN IT’S LOYALTIES AGAINST YOUR OTHER ORGANS!”

“BEAR. SHUT UP. I WILL FUCK YOUR SOUL.”